Nattdemoner och sommarlängtan

Jag har så mycket ångest att det känns som om något sväljer mig hel. Som om domedagen kommer och jag kan se den, men jag sitter fast, förankrad i marken, fastgjuten i cement och jag kan inte röra mig.
 
Jag vet att om några dagar är det över, när den här värsta perioden har festat klart på mina gladaste minnen, förvrängt allt som är fint och jag är utmattad; då reser jag mig. Det gör jag alltid, det är inte problemet. Problemet är att jag inte känner mig trygg ens i min egen säng och det finns ingenstans att ta vägen för jag bor här i min egna etta och varken rum hos föräldrar eller vänner kommer ta udden av det här; min rädla sitter i kroppen, i huvudet, för vart jag än går tar jag tigrarna med mig. De är efter mig konstant, och om några dagar, när vi vant oss vid varandra kommer jag slappna av. Jag kommer närma mig dem med försiktighet och omsorg, men jag kommer närma mig dem och jag kommer lösa det här.
 
Det är det enda jag kan hålla mig fast vid; att jag löser det här. Jag löser det alltid. 
 
Jag hatar de här perioderna; när exakt allt går fel och jag står med facit och inser att jag inte kan hantera det här. När jag bokar in extra kuratortider och konsulttid med läkare om huruvida jag ska höja min antidepp igen. När jag blir så elakt påmind om varför jag inte vågar eller vill ta mig ann en högre utbildning; för att den tryggheten jag har på mitt lilla gymnasium inte finns där, och jag behöver den. Den är min livlina. 
 
Sådana här perioder längtar jag till i sommar, när jag går över till heltidstjänst och får jobba med något som konstant ger mig bekräftelse; jag älskar mitt jobb och det älskar mig. Jag har kommit till jobbet och gråtit hela vägen upp från Saltsjöbanan, över Södermalmstorg och Götgatsbacken. När jag har sovit fyra ynka timmar på grund av hjärtekross eller ångest eller båda och jag har gått ned och bytt om, kommit upp och blivit Johanna, Barista på Espresso House. Johanna, Barista på Espresso House har inte samma problem som jag. Vi är en person, men den jag är på jobbet, även om jag alltid är ärlig och säger som det är om hur jag mår, sitter ihop bra mycket bättre än vad jag gör innan uniformen åker på. 
 
När jag jobbar bryr jag mig om clean as you go, gäster, service och mina fina kollegor. Jag bryr mig om skratt, om prepp, om disk, månar om min shop och älskar mitt jobb, även när vi är underbemannade och det värker ända in i skelettet för att jag jobbar för två extra personer. Jag tar inte med mig min sorg, min sjukdom eller mina sömntimmar dit, för att det är komponenter som inte behövs i mitt jobb; de finns inte ens. Inte när det är kö till dörren och jag är svettig fast jag har stått och krängt kaffe i två timmar utan paus. 
 
Jag längtar till i sommar när jag kan ta semester från mitt huvud när det är såhär, när jag får långa tidsperioder av ledigt. De perioderna hjälper mig, de är livsviktiga för mig. Jag kan gå till skolan och det kan vara kul, det kan vara givande, eller så kan det vara ett helvete som tvingar mig in på toaletter med industriklinkers och lampor som slocknar när jag har skakat på golvet för länge. Jag älskar min skola, jag älskar skolan. Jag älskar att jag får betalt av staten för att lära mig intressanta saker, skapa kontakter och umgås med vänner. Min ångest förstör det ibland, och det är förjävligt, och det finns inget annat jag kan göra än att ta en kvart att andas, gå tillbaka och börja om. Nollställa, starta om, prata med lärare, förklara. 
 
Det enda som får mig att ta mig igenom de här perioderna, är vetskapen att alla mina lärare förstår och hjälper till. Att jag har två av de finaste mentorerna i världen som stöttar mig och säger åt mig att ta hand om mig själv när jag ringer och berättar att jag käkar 6 mg antibiotika per dag och tyvärr inte kommer kunna ta mig till skolan den här veckan. Jag har två fina föräldrar och en bonusmamma som hör av sig och ser till att jag blir bra, som handlar åt mig när jag inte kan och som bjuder på middag så fort jag frågar, eller berättar att jag ska jobba mycket en helg. 
 
Jag har fantastiska vänner som svarar mitt i natten när jag ringer och berättar att jag orkar faktiskt inte med den här ångest längre jagvetintevadjagskagörasnällahjälp. Jag har vänner som kommer och baka pizza med mig när jag har legat förlamad av ångest och rivit sår och svullnader på mina bara armar. 
 
Jag har så jag klarar mig, det har jag. Jag har kontakt med vården, en fantastisk säkerhet i vardag och skillnaden mellan 2010 och nu är att jag på de sex åren har byggt upp en princip om att alltid, alltid be om hjälp. Det finns inget skäl för mig att tillintetgöra eller förminska min sjukdom, för den finns där, och inget gott kommer av att låtsas som något annat. Jag vet, för jag gjorde det, och det var så nära att bli min död. Det är något som aldrig kommer hända igen, för att jag ber. om. hjälp.
 
Jag bär min ångest som om jag har tatuerat den i pannan för att det egentligen är mitt enda problem. Ett problem som skapar ett världsträd av problem för mig och det tar att tag att komma till huvudproblemet för jag har sjuttioelva problem att lösa innan jag är där. 
 
Men när sommaren kommer finns det tid, då finns det mindre problem, mindre grenar, mindre trä att bränna upp. Jag försöker att inte längta dit för mycket, för att jag måste lösa problemen i nuet. Men det är svårt just nu, när nuet är läskigt och jobbigt och ger mig halsbränna klockan 02:21 på en natt när jag sovit fyra timmar. 
 
Jag har så mycket ångest att det känns som om något sväljer mig hel, och det kanske det gör. Men då får jag väl sticka hål på magen på'n.

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